Fifty-four thousand Geordies are up in arms over another glaring error; another badly thought-out system leaving them exposed at the back. No, the start of the football season hasn’t come a few weeks early, Newcastle City Council has admitted to accidentally exposing the cardholder details of potentially tens of thousands of its citizens.

The council is insisting there is no chance that any fraud or misuse has occurred, which must be incredibly reassuring for the affected Novocastrians. And in a hurried statement, chief exec Ian Stratford was keen to reiterate that they are still receiving payments for council tax and the like. Well, Sneak wholly concurs that it’s important to get perspective in these circumstances. You might have been defrauded to the tune of several grand but that’s no reason not to pay your local authority for the sterling work it does collecting the bins…

July 30, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

One-fifth of the world's population will be connected to the internet in four years time, according to a new piece of research by Jupiter Research that Sneak has been reading. Great; more spam, more zombies, and more Facebook preening to clog our pipes and squeeze our bandwidth.

Apparently, a major contributing factor is going to be take-up in Brazil, Russia India and China – known as the Bric countries. Sneak wonders if the group of countries comprised of Bolivia, Australia, Lithuania, Libya and Sweden will also have a part to play.

July 28, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sneak read with sadness the news that Virgin's Mobile TV service is to be axed, and with it the silicon-enhanced siren Pammy Anderson has been dropped by the firm as its mascot-come-flag-bearer. Ms Anderson was unveiled to great fanfare last autumn in a dreadful multi-million pound TV ad campaign, but apparently her doubtless charms have failed to convince punters to watch TV on their mobiles.

Although there are two very obvious reasons why she was chosen, if Sneak had to pick anyone to front that campaign it probably wouldn't be Pam. I doubt a phone has been invented yet with a screen big enough to fit the entire Anderson frame.

July 27, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

When Sneak was but a boy his careers guidance officer told him he could do anything. If he put his mind to it.

Sneak instantly decided that he would be an astronaut. But then he realised that this would involve rigorous training, not having very much fun in general, and going to the toilet in your trousers on a daily basis – and Sneak gets enough of that at home.

So, he took his mind right off it, and set about researching which supermarket's uniform best suited the colour of his eyes.

Now that he is older, and those lofty dreams of working on the deli counter are but a distant memory – curse those rules about personal hygiene - Sneak is even more annoyed about missing his chance, since it appears that astronauts have more fun than Safeway shelf stackers, and IT journalists (this is not hard).

Just look at some of these spaceman related headlines culled from the BBC news web site: Astronaut on murder plot charge; Space computer 'sabotage' probed; US astronauts 'flew while drunk'; Charged Nasa woman 'had no nappy'.

Boiled down to their most juicy facts these relate to astronauts flying while drunk – spaceships!, astronauts driving around in their cars wearing nappies and looking for their love rivals, space computers being mysteriously bashed with sticks (presumably it was a stick), and murder.

What else is going on at the place where they race to space? And why don't they publicise these things better?

This is definitely Sneak's kinda place to work.

July 27, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sneak has been wondering for a while what to get for his errant uncle's birthday. After all, what does the man with everything need?

Well, to try and solve this dilemma Sneak asked around the office. Unsurprisingly no one admitted that they really, really felt the need to have a washable mouse, and Sneak doubts that his uncle would be too thrilled with one either. But hey, what people want, and what they get are seldom the same things anyway.

Yup, this month Belkin gloriously announced the availability of its washable mouse and Sneak was all over it, like sticky on a mouse. But why would a firm release such a thing, and why would anyone need it?

Well, you might eat a lot of sticky lemon curd sandwiches. You might even have spilt some jam about the place. Or, you might have naturally sticky hands. To be honest, by this point, we would just rather not know. Let's just say that Belkin has released the mouse, and if you really feel you need one. Well, you know where to get it from.

Sneak has ordered two. One for his uncle, and er.. another one.

July 25, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Premium rate phone regulator ICSTIS has given recorded sex lines until the end of August to abide by its rules or face the chop, Sneak has heard. Apparently some naughty operators haven't been declaring call costs or that some calls may be recorded. All of which is of no interest to Sneak, who prefers not to get his kicks from listening to retired checkout assistants looking to supplement their pension by talking dirty.

That said, Sneak is already receiving roughly ten calls a day from recently released prisoners who have confused his number with their halfway house. For the last time I'm not your parole officer you drug-addled freaks.

July 24, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the many email newletters that clog up Sneak's mailbox - making it possible for him to realistically claim not to have seen the important work mails - comes from Monkeywire, the news service for people interested in monkeys.

Yesterday Sneak was sent some very important breaking news about a South Korean tourist, who while in India, had his glasses stolen by a monkey. "He headed straight to the table where my glasses were kept and took it away", the man said in a statement.

Of course the police are all over the case now, even combing the surrounding areas for clues, and or the glasses themselves.

Sadly however, nothing has yet been found except for a part of the glasses' frame. "It is very difficult to trace the monkey but I am trying my best to locate the rogue" said the investigating officer. Well, my man, Sneak might just have a tip for you.

Look for the monkey in the broken glasses who no longer has to squint when reading. Failing that, look for the one with the pinch marks on either side of the bridge of his nose – the tell tale sign of the secret specs wearer.

July 24, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sneak has had one of those hectic weekends. You know, the kind which see you moving from laptop to kitchen, to bed, to small shop that sells meals in tin foil boxes, and back to bed.

In between all this excitement Sneak somehow found many, many, many hours to watch the television, and with the absence of Sky Plus, more than a couple of adverts.

One of these adverts particularly appealed to Sneak, if only because it seemed to contain some sort of subliminal warning – in this case - not to join the herd.

In the advert two sets of animated flames form the shape of a pair of scissors, and then hack out the shape of a person, this person then creates more people – you know, in one of those chain things, who also walk off.

A helpful narrator informs the viewer what this all means, which is apparently that since British Gas made two price cuts, every 20 seconds someone switches back to using its services, adding up to a whopping "34,830 people every week…"

Now Sneak is no fool. He knows that joining a phone queue behind some 35,000 punters is not a productive use of his time. So thanks for pointing that out British Gas. You saved Sneak some valuable lazing around time.

Thanks, British Gas, you are indeed, "committed to affordable energy".

July 24, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

It can be a lonely job sometimes, being your dedicated IT Sneak. Selflessly searching for those nuggets of tech-related oddness and hilarity that you have now come to demand for your reading pleasure. Well, unfortunately all this come at a cost, for Sneak has been missing that special someone in his life; that compatible component to share end-to-end solution with.

So you can imagine Sneak’s joy when he discovered the latest campaign from dating website CupidBay.com. It seems those nice people are searching for 20-30 something Londoners (well, Sneak has always looked young for his age – he got asked for ID in Woolworth’s the other day buying liqueur chocolates for his Grandmamma) to take part in a new video stunt. Apparently volunteer couples will have their entire date filmed, and feed back their experiences to a relationship (ie sex) expert for enlightenment. It may be a longshot, and a very short video, but I am as ever your humble servant…

July 21, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

So, Vodafone is to roll out faster HSUPA mobile broadband in Germany rather than the UK. So what? Sneak hears you say, it's just another plot by the mobile operators to fleece the honest sons of toil in Albion, this time by creating a massive envy complex.

Imagine theoretical data download rates of around 7Mbit/s…, okay, maybe 5Mbit/s in reality. Your overseas 200MB download limit on Vodafone's new roaming data offer would be gone in just over five minutes at this speed.

A nasty problem for mobile operators implementing HSUPA will be managing when users can and can't transmit data. Constantly having to transmit so-called scheduling information is not recommended, but the standard also gives a method for the handset to transmit a single bit as to whether the base station can handle the next piece of data. This bit is called the happy bit, for obvious reasons.

It would be nice to be able to transmit to your mobile operator an “unhappy bit”, to indicate when you were totally fed up with their service. Unfortunately this is not on the standards roadmap.

July 18, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

According to an incredibly informed survey by business communications systems provider Avaya 44 percent of chief executives in the UK admit to working in their pyjamas, smartphone users are twice as likely to take a call from a toilet as traditional mobile users and 51 percent of respondents have participated in a conference call wearing only a bathrobe – or less

Yeah. Sneak stopped reading about then too.

July 17, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Google, a firm that is no stranger to privacy complaints, has promised that any cookies that it leaves on a computer when a user visits a web site will automatically delete themselves two years after the event. Not even leaving the barest of crumbs.

If two years sounds like a long time for those not so tasty biscuits to linger on your e-waistline, then consider this. Currently the cookies are set to delete themselves after 2038, by which time the internet will probably be housed in our skulls and controlled by vague eyelid movements.

Given Sneak's rather large cookie consumption – both virtual, and chocolate chip, the news that a moment on the virtual lip will no longer mean a lifetime on the virtual hip is nothing but good news.

Now, if only flapjacks would do the same. That way Sneak wouldn't even need to respond to any of those emails for enlargement in certain areas.

He'd still be able to see it without the help.

July 17, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sneak has never been a big fan of the integrated circuits market – a little dry and uneventful for his rock 'n' roll tastes. That was until the sordid tale of Broadcom co-founder and ex-chief executive Henry Nicholas reared its flabby coke-smeared head. In an ongoing lawsuit his former aide Kenji Kato is accusing Nicholas of causing emotional distress by force-feeding him drugs, threatening to make certain people "disappear" and, of course, taking part in that tabloid favourite, drug-fuelled orgies. Sneak wonders two things: a) why is Mr Kato suing; and b) is this the inevitable fate of all technology CEOs? It would certainly make the industry a lot more interesting.

July 17, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

In a sadly all too predictable announcement, the UK payments association APACS has announced that the Faster Payments initiative has been, guess what, delayed. Intended to bring this country’s archaic payments processing system in line with those of our more developed neighbours, the project will now be pushed back from this November into next year some time, Sneak hears. Now this may irritate a lot of people, but it’s fine by Sneak, who has been waiting for his first cheque from his employers for about five years now anyway, so can probably bide his time for another few months.

July 17, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sneak read with sadness that the consolidating UK broadband market has lead to the sale of Pipex’s broadband and phone services to Tiscali. What will now become of Pipex’s legendary flag bearer, the Hoffmeister himself David Hasselhoff? Might we see him poached by another ailing brand hoping to sex-up its image? Maybe Dell could cash-in on Hoff’s easy going charm to reengage with its customers, and SAP could also do with a sprinkling of magic Hoff-dust to throw in Oracle’s eyes as they try and get themselves out of a sticky legal situation.

But beyond that…Sneak really hopes someone gives DH something to do during the week. It must be so boring lying around in hotel rooms eating Wendys burgers all day.

July 16, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sneak always knew that the government regarded UK skills shortages as a red hot topic. But he can’t help but feel it has gone a bit too far with its latest skills campaign, opting for a logo that appears to suggest the topic is now so hot that it can give you hideous third degree burns..

July 11, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Sneak has added the first item to his Christmas list. Well, technically it is his third, but he only puts "Satsuma + walnuts" to make his mum feel better.

The lucky item to hit the number 3 spot on the list is a £200 robot called Spyke, which promises to help him round the house, with a range of functions that can be performed by cheap - £200, foot high robots, what you make yourself.

Sneak is very excited about the item, since with a simple tray attached to its head, and a hoover to its bum it can make a very helpful food transportation unit that manages to clean up after itself – something that Sneak has never managed to do.

The robot is made by Meccano, but unfortunately for Sneak, is called the Erector set, and thus is likely to confuse his mum at the till point.

One thing is for sure. Permissive she may be, but Sneak's mum will never go into a shop and ask for an erector for her son. It's just not right.

July 10, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sneak has been reading with a barely disguisable sneer a new guide by Microsoft and social etiquette specialist The Finishing Academy called the Business and Communications Etiquette Guide. As the name suggests it's intended to provide advice for business users on how to use the wide range of communications tools at their disposal in the most appropriate manner.

The guide sagely advises caution when using humour and sarcasm in communications and, amazingly, urges that emoticons are not appropriate in every situation. Aren't they? Oh dear, does this mean Sneak failed the etiquette test when he sacked his staff by text last week? Maybe he should also have left out the smiley face.

July 10, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Sneak has learned that Heathrow will soon be trialling RFID technology to tag and track passenger luggage; one of the largest such projects in Europe. Apparently the chips will be attached to luggage labels upon check-in, so that they can be read as they make their way to your final destination. That’s the idea anyway, we just hope they remember to install the RFID readers as well, or it might not work as well as predicted. In the meantime, Sneak will continue his policy of storing half a wheel of ripe camembert and several pairs of unwashed underwear within any suitcase to ensure it’s swiftly processed.
A large biohazard mark spray painted across the front is an optional extra you might also want to consider.

July 9, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (1)

Sneak can be just as childish as anybody and thinks that wherever you may be, sometimes an image in your mind can spark off a rictus-inducing grin at anytime. IBM has just updated its Blue Gene supercomputer – to the /P (slash pee) variant, but say that this beast can not only model drug interactions, it can model an entire human organ to check out drug interactions.

Unfortunately Viagra, originally called Sildenafil and discovered in the UK, was not discovered by modeling the male member, but by being tested for it ability to lower blood pressure and also for its ability to open up coronary arteries and ease angina. Of course coronary arteries weren’t the only ones that were opened up and for some men erectile dysfunction (ED) became a thing of the past. With the new computer scientists can now model even better drugs to lessen the effects of ED for people who have a telegram from the Queen.

IBM also say that “A variety of independent software vendors have plans to port existing tools to Blue Gene/P.” Oooh-err missis, how many terror flops would that be?

July 4, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sneak read with a haughty sneer recently that the EU has decided to take a massive leap into the unknown by jumping on the Web 2.0 bandwagon and advertising itself on YouTube. Should be a laugh, thought Sneak, after all, there's nothing quite as cringeworthy but hilarious as politicians trying to get down with the kids.

Yet they seem to have cracked it, racking up 20,000 odd hits a day, mainly thanks to one particular clip – "Film Lovers Will Love This!" - designed to promote the EU's patronage of European cinema. It's basically a soft porn montage, ending with the glorious line; "let's come together". Sneak applauds the EU's bravery but is still seriously concerned the Brown government might try to follow suit in a vain attempt to boost its popularity…..no Gordon, for the love of God, put your pants back on!

July 3, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sneak has always thought it a bit rich when economists start having a go at the IT industry, particularly when they represent one of the few sectors that can make IT professionals look reliable.

Ask five economists for their opinion on something, and you’ll get five different answers, at least with the IT industry you’ll get the same solution, albeit after numerous delays and spec changes.

A recent note from everyone's favourite right wing think tank (though Sneak is always a little confused as to how much thinking actually goes on in these tanks) the Adam Smith Institute, said: "Have you noticed how IT people resemble drug dealers? They both call their clients ‘users’ and though both will give you a fix over the phone, you’ll pay a lot for it. And their clients are over the moon when their stuff works, but want to kill them when it doesn’t."

Well, if we’re being bitchy about it, Sneak would just like to note the similarity between economists and some of the scantily clad neighbours found hanging around doorways near his Soho office. "They’ll say anything you want them to say, as long as you pay them enough."

Can you do any better? Any other suggestions email them in.

July 2, 2007 | Permalink | Comments (0)