It's tough sometimes being at the helm of a multi-billion dollar computing giant, Sneak reckons. It was all going so well for Michael Dell until recently, when certain, erm, technical issues with batteries, and the small matter of a massive accounting scandal, spoiled the party.

Well, at a recent technology conference in New Yoik Dell is reported as reassuring investors by saying he had "undertaken a set of extraordinary processes" to root out the wrongdoers. Wow, "extraordinary" and "processes" – not two words Sneak is used to seeing together. All the processes known to man are surely distinctly average? Although Sneak did have some particularly extraordinary processed cheese the other day. OK, moving on, Dell also said with all the innocence of a dog sitting next to a rather large turd, that he was "not involved in or aware of any of the accounting irregularities". And for the record, MD was not on the grassy knoll on 22 November 1963 either.